Patience. Continuing to be a never-ending battle.

Okay, so the next 6 paragraphs i actually wrote October 27 and never published it. i was going through my saved drafts, read it, and it convicted me alot. So here is what i wrote a little over a month ago, and below that is what i wrote today::::

Something I've been thinking alot about lately: patience, and the fact that i don't have any at all.
I've known for a long time that i don't have any patience. I'm not very good at waiting for people, taking my time, thinking before i act/speak, or being cautious of those around me. Seeing all of these flaws in myself caused me to wonder why i had such a hard time with things as simple as these. Then i discovered this--> patience truly has become my never ending battle and i'm not fully relying on God and His Word.

Patience is not something anyone can have on their own. It's not something that i can decide to have one day, then not have it at all the next. It deals with the heart. It deals with my heart.

I can recall several different situations which caused me to tell someone, "Okay, I'm not a patient person, so don't test me!" Most of the time it was in a joking manner. But a majority of it probably wasn't. Recognizing this makes me wonder, was I ever truly trusting God with all my situations? Apparently I wasn't. And this saddens me quite a bit.

God, being God, is perfect. He is patient. He is so patient that He knows how many times we (i) will fall away from Him, yet he loves us and keeps calling us to Him. There are so many examples in the Bible where a strong man or woman of God would fall away from Him, but it's obvious that the Lord stays by their side and returns to them as soon as they cry out to Him. Honestly, if i was God (which thankfully i'm not) i would have not waited around time and time again and moved on to a new set of people. If only i had that kind of patience, oh i'd be a totally different person.

So, to work on my patience, I've asked the Lord to a.) help me with it because i can't do this without Him. and b.) test me with it. i will honestly never leave this state of impatience until i am tested. and God, being able to answer all prayer, has been helping me so much! It's like, so many things which caused me to snap or get mad about a month ago, don't even faze me. Now, God's been testing me at least once a day or so. but i've learned to lean on him. i still have alot of work to do. i still get impatient when i drive behind a dumb car who goes 10 miles under the speed limit, i still get ticked off at myself if i forget something and have to drive almost the whole way back just to get it. But at the same time, i'm learning from all of this.

For me, it's so awesome to see how God is working with me through this. Like i can feel Him practically standing or sitting by me when i feel myself getting heated up inside with impatience. Then it's like He places his hand on mine and all the heat is calm and cool. it's just such an awesome feeling. Goodness, my Lord blows me away.
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It's crazy for me to see that i wrote that so long ago, yet the Lord is still testing me with this day in, and day out. The past few days have been so stressful! I've been working on projects at literally the last minute, I've been trying to figure out what God wants of me in a certain situation, and I've been trying to tune down my hopes for something else that may actually never happen. Now that i think about it, I haven't been giving my patience to the Lord at all. I've been telling myself, the Lord, and those around me that all i want to do is what the Lord wants me to do. And that is 100% true. Now, I just have to follow through with what i'm telling everyone.

I can easily say that i trust the Lord and what He's doing, but i have to act upon that as well.