The past few days have been... interesting, to say the least. So many different things have swamped my mind. Things like: what God really wants of me, how much I'm really trusting the Lord, things of my past have been brought back to memory, and my lack of patience has struck me hard across the head. It sometimes seems as if i can never ever control what I'm thinking. Like, I'll know for a fact that i need to trust God, and i really will be trusting Him, but my mind for some reason will try it's hardest to take a little bunny trail away from Him. There's a song by Barlowgirl (come to find out - they have some amazing lyrics, even if it is an all girl band.) and the song states: "Why do we think if we trust God too much He will fail us? Nothing has come when I choose that in me I’d trust. Separate me, You have called out to follow You blindly. I won’t fear Your leading me". I've been listening to this song almost all day long because that's exactly what i've been thinking. And with the latest things i've been thinking about.. I really can't afford to not trust Him. Actually I can never afford to not trust Him. But anyways.. that's a whole different kind of blog..
Back to what I've been thinking about::
As a 16 year old, high school, junior girl.. i've been through alot. I'm not saying that so that someone can maybe have sympathy on my or anything like that. I honestly hate it when someone feels bad for me..so please don't. I'm just stating a fact. I really have been through alot. Now, those things I'm not going to post on the internet for just anyone to see, but I will just say that the majority of my high school has been filled with heart break after heart break. And i'm not talking about just the sappy break up kind of heart break crap.. that stuff doesn't bother me as much anymore. The heart break I talk of is a spiritual heart break that occurs in me time and time again when i stray farrrrrr far away from Him. I became a Christian at the age of 5 1/2. So, I've always known how to live my life for Christ and definitely had those up's and down's in my walk, but it didn't become real until high school. I didn't actually care about God with all that i am until the last year or so. My main realization of how real Christ is all goes back to the blog i wrote titled "Love Happens". But it also has to do with the four things i said in the beginning: "what God really wants of me, how much I'm really trusting the Lord, things of my past have been brought back to memory, and my lack of patience has struck me hard across the head". Good grief I struggle with those four things more than anything and it just kills me! It makes me sick that i always go back to the same struggles.
Right now i'm having to be patient with a specific thing and having to really seek what God wants.. and try not to have too much confusion in the midst of it all. But currently, confusion is attacking me like a swarm of killer bees. I kinda see what God is wanting, but at the same time it seems like the door has been totally shut, but the door isn't suppose to be shut, or at least not forever. This i've been dealing with alot lately. This is what has taken over most of my thoughts, and the only thing God has told me is the main one of many things I'm horrible with.. "Be patient." So, I'm going to try and try hard. Very, very hard. I want what God wants. So, if He isn't clear at the very beginning, then I'll just take what He gives me and just keep praying about it. It's just hard for me. It's my own personal problem that i've just gota give 100% to the Lord. So, this has taken up about i don't know, say 70% of my thoughts.
The other 30% has gone to my past mainly. Last night I was able to talk to a close friend about alot of things that has changed my life drastically in the past 2-3 years. I haven't honestly thought about it as much as i did last night. What was it? My best friend who died 1-1 1/2 years ago. Last night I remembered how close me and him actually were, I remembered alot of the great memories we shared, I even thought of the first time we met:wednesday night of camp and he wanted to pierce his ear.. so, i gave him my earring stud to use. He was quite the character and loved the Lord. You know, I look back on that.. and yes, I do miss his friendship. He was always one to encourage me in all that i did, whether it was stupid or not. But even though he is missed, I don't dwell on what was once here on earth. If i dwelt on that and dwelt on me missing him, I'd be dwelling on something that a.)isn't even here anymore and b.)he isn't God. God put him in my life for that short amount of time for a reason, and took him away for the same reasaon:: so that God would-in the long run-be glorified. And that's what I always must remind myself.
No matter how much stress I'm under, no matter how much i miss someone, no matter how confused i may be, and no matter how impatient i can be at times. It all boils down to one thing:: through all this, I must glorify God in all that i do and through all circumstances. God puts these different struggles in my life so that i will focus on Him leading me through those. Goodness, I can't even begin to imagine how confused and dreadful my life would be without my God. This week is a good week to be Thanksgiving. Though I should be thanking Him day in and day out, having a week to really just think hard and long of how He's blessed me and my life causes me to be to humble and at peace. I love my Jesus so incredibly much and surrender all this confusion to Him.
"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
1 Thessalonians 5:18
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